So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
