if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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