I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
