I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
