if you like me you must not know who I am
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
