if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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