from now on my penis is your penis
they need to just BURY HIM!
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
