Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
