the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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