You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize