i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
