I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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