So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
