I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
