Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
