Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Randomize
