Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
