Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
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