The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
