my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
