Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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