I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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