Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I said "one day" and that day is not today
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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