Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
