just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
my sisters under your porch take her home
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
