Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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