just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
