someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
