i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
