fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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