And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
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Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
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She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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