4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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