My liver just broke up with me...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
we're making bets on your personal life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
