I want to walk on stilts...naked
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
