The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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