I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
