I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
