I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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