he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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