You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
