Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
