I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
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I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
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my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
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