ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
