I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
