Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Pants are for mortals
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
