Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
