She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
