it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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