I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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