I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
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