that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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