Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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