You made me cry and you don't even care
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
