Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
