I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
