after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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