i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
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You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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