Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
