I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
