Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
